Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have A different position wherever American Guys can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide All people a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

According to documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often smooth electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It can be that he should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the project, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has Trump Tower Damascus formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"

The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is by now attracting notice from international buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will even include:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD might have change-down services."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Closing Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."